


it's always sunny in emon

by TechnicalTragedy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Drinking, Gen, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TechnicalTragedy/pseuds/TechnicalTragedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"A sociopath, codependent twins, an illiterate giant, two hobbits, and a vegan bought my store and are turning it into a bar. Gods, it sounds like some kind of fucking joke."</p><p>(a collection of various ficlets from a vox machina iasip au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the gang buys a bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure how often i'll update, but i love the idea of this and decided why not just go ahead and write some stuff about it. first chapter isn't terribly long, but i just kinda wanted to test the waters and gauge interest. enjoy!

Daxio looks over his glasses at the ragtag bunch assembled before him. He knows most of them, of course, through various dealings they've had in the past, but this is definitely one of the strangest reasons why they've ever come into his establishment.

 

“Let me get this straight,” Daxio says. He laces his fingers together in front of him and fixes his gaze on Scanlan, the one who seems to be spearheading this plan of theirs. “You want to buy this store from me so you can turn it into a bar? Not a one of you went to college, one of you barely graduated _high school_ , and you're trying to convince me that it's a sound financial decision to sell you this building.”

 

Scanlan, to his credit, doesn't even glance around at his friends before he pastes his patented smarmy grin on his face and nods. “That's _exactly_ what we're saying. And hey, Percy went to college.”

 

“Going to college and _graduating_ from college are not the same thing, Mr. Shorthalt,” Daxio says.

 

“Please,” Scanlan says, “call me Burt Reynolds.”

 

Daxio sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I won't call you that. Look, do you even have the money to purchase this store?”

 

Scanlan holds a hand out to Percy without looking at him. “Percy, the money,” he says.

 

Percy looks at the hand, unimpressed, but draws a thick wad of cash out from within his coat. Rather than put the money in Scanlan's hand, he plants it right on the counter in front of Daxio. “This is twenty thousand dollars, but if you _are_ willing to sell, there's plenty more where that came from.”

 

Daxio picks up the cash and leafs through it quickly, humming to himself thoughtfully. “How much more, exactly?”

 

“We're prepared to offer ninety thousand dollars,” Percy says.

 

Everyone hears Vex choke, then start coughing violently. “Ninety thou-” she begins, but Vax slaps a hand over her mouth.

 

There's an intense staredown between Percy, Scanlan, and Daxio, until finally Daxio puts his hands up in surrender. “Because I like you,” Daxio says, “give me one hundred and it's yours.”

 

Percy and Scanlan look at each other for a moment, then back to Daxio with matching smiles. “That's a deal, Riskel,” Scanlan says.

 

“Never call me by my first name again,” Daxio says.

 

Scanlan turns around to his friends while Percy fishes out more money and his grin is as wide as his face. “Guys,” he says, “we just bought a bar.”

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Percy, once Daxio's moved his things out and they've begun renovating their bar into a better layout, says, “I can't believe I bought a bar.”

 

“ _We_ bought a bar,” Keyleth reminds him.

 

Percy makes a face. “Yes, well, about that...”

 

Every head turns to him, his friends stopping in their tracks to hear what he's about to say. It's all quite threatening, in Percy's opinion. He's almost afraid to say what he's going to say, but he's never been one to back down.

 

“What about the bar, darling?” Vex asks, an edge of steel in her voice.

 

“Technically, this is my bar,” Percy says. “See, I provided practically every dime we spent on this place. Scanlan, Pike, and Vex all graciously donated five thousand dollars each, but the other _eighty-five thousand_ came from _my_ inheritance.”

 

Vax frowns deeply, setting down the box he's holding. “What are you trying to say, Percival?”

 

Percy shrugs. “I'm saying that I own eighty-five percent of the bar. I mean, it was in the contract that I signed.”

 

“What contract?” Grog asks.

 

“You signed it too, actually,” Percy says. “I showed all of you, but I assume none of you bothered to read it before you wrote your names on the dotted lines.” He shrugs again, utterly unrepentant. “If it's any consolation, Scanlan, you do own five percent. As do Vex and Pike.”

 

His friends all stare at him, none of them entirely certain what to say.

 

Finally, Pike speaks for them all, “Percy, you _dick_ ,” and the whole bar devolves into a screaming match. Even Trinket joins in, the huge Newfoundland howling at the top of his lungs because everyone else is.

 

Daxio pops open the door to get the last of his stuff and blinks in the face of all the rage at Percy. He meets Percy's eyes from across the bar and Percy smirks right before Vax socks him in the jaw. Daxio sighs as he picks his way through to the back office. “A sociopath, codependent twins, an illiterate giant, two hobbits, and a vegan bought my store and are turning it into a bar.” He grabs his gun out of the top drawer of the desk and tucks it into his waistband. “Gods, it sounds like some kind of fucking joke.”

 


	2. the gang earns a name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the bar ~~they~~ percy bought needs a name. everybody has ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the encouragement on the first chapter! it really spurred me to produce the second chapter quickly, and it's longer! enjoy <3

“We at least need to name _your_ bar,” Keyleth says once the hubbub has died down.

 

Percy is icing his jaw while Vax ties tiny braids in his hair to apologize for punching him. They both shrug. “Does anybody have any ideas for a name?” Percy asks of his friends.

 

“The Dragon’s Hoard,” Vex says immediately.

 

Scanlan makes a face. “That sounds like some kind of fantasy tavern, Vex. It’s not like we’re a bunch of adventurers settling down after slaying a huge dragon and finding the deed to a bar in its will.” He holds out his hands. “I’ve got a better idea. We call the bar Cock Lightning. Everybody loves a cool, flashy name.”

 

“No, Scanlan,” Percy says firmly. “I will not be associated with a bar called something so base as Cock Lightning.”

 

“Oh, how’s the weather up there on your high horse, Mr. Snooty Prick?” Scanlan asks, scowling. “I think it’s a great name.”

 

Pike raises a hand.

 

“What about Druidcraft?” Keyleth suggests. “That’s high-class, right? And there’s craft beers and stuff, so it fits in with the whole bar thing.”

 

Percy considers it for a moment, until Vax tugs on his hair slightly harder than necessary and it makes him irritable. “No, I don’t like that, either. Sounds a little _too_ high-class. Common folk don’t want to go somewhere that sounds expensive.”

 

‘Common folk?’ Scanlan mouths at Vex, and she just rolls her eyes.

 

“I may have a suggestion,” Pike says.

 

Grog slams a fist onto the bar. “Let’s call it The Pit,” he says. “We can dig a big hole in the basement and hold fights to the death in it!”

 

“A little too illegal for my tastes, Grog, but I like the enthusiasm,” Percy says.

 

Pike huffs and grabs a bottle, smashing it over the counter. All conversation stops abruptly. “I have a _suggestion_ ,” she says.

 

Percy frowns at her. “By all means, go ahead. There’s no need to start breaking things.”

 

“I got frustrated. Sorry,” Pike says, setting the now broken bottle back down. “Why don’t we take a day or so? Today has been a bit crazy, what with the fighting and the moving and everything. So we could sleep on it, come up with some names, and talk it over tomorrow!”

 

Percy nods, which causes Vax to swat at his shoulder to keep him still. “Fine, I’m not moving,” he gripes. “That’s a good idea, Pike. It is getting a little late. Just late enough, I’d say, to have a quick party to celebrate our first day in the bar. We’ll have some drinks, then head home and think the name situation over.”

 

“Drinks sound _great_ ,” Keyleth says. She grabs for the scotch they have behind the counter, slamming it on the bartop. “Let's get fucked up!”

 

“Huzzah to that,” Scanlan agrees.

 

They all begin the process of getting drunk off their asses, and a shit day turns into a fun evening.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Vax cackles, the whiskey in his glass sloshing over the sides and spilling down his fingers. “Percival, you can't just swear vengeance on someone just because they knocked on the wrong door!”

 

Percy scowls. “I can swear vengeance on anyone, at any time I want.”

 

“I don't really think that's how it works,” Keyleth says, but her words are so slurred it's hard to make it out. She always hits the liquor too hard, and the first thing to go is always her general eloquence.

 

Vex drapes her arm over Keyleth's shoulders, leaning heavily on her. “Darling, it's hard to be the voice of reason when no one can understand what you're saying,” she teases.

 

Keyleth puts her hand on Vex's face to push her away, but ends up pulling them both down to their sides in the sticky vinyl booth. Percy rolls his eyes at Vax as the girls start giggling. They all know Vex and Keyleth will end up being the first members of their friend group to sleep together.

 

“Could you at least wait until we clear out to have sex in the bar?” Scanlan says. “Or, I mean, we could all have an awesome orgy, that'd be cool, too.”

 

Grog wrinkles his nose. “No offense, Scanlan, but I'm not sure I'd want to fuck you.”

 

Scanlan raises an eyebrow, something Grog drunkenly tries to replicate and fails at miserably. “Who says you'd be doing the fucking?”

 

Pike pats Grog's arm comfortingly as he blushes bright red. He buries his face in another drink.

 

Vax looks sideways at Percy. “Hey, do you remember any of that Latin you learned in high school?”

 

Percy sits up straighter, always ready for a chance to demonstrate his intellect. “Of course, it's stupid to even ask. What about it?”

 

“Well, could we name our bar something in Latin?” Vax says. He takes a sip of his drink and uses it to gesture at Percy. “Nothing too fancy, of course. Maybe lots of consonants, everybody likes a good consonantel, uh, consonantial, consonant-y?” Vax frowns, turning it over in his head as he tries to figure out what he's even talking about. “Eh, whatever. Everybody likes it when words are real crisp. Like that, like _crisp_ ,” he pops the 'p' to make his point.

 

Percy nods thoughtfully. “You know, that's kind of smart. But what phrase?”

 

“Nothing cliché like carpe diem or whatever-the-fuck. Something cool,” Vax says.

 

“Never,” Percy says. “We are the pinnacle of originality. We need something entirely for ourselves.”

 

Further down the bar, Pike is showing Grog videos of cats on her phone to comfort him. He's got a wide grin on his face, but it quickly morphs into horror when a human voice speaks. ' _Whiskers! Look at the camera, Whiskers!_ '

 

Grog grabs Pike's hand. “Pike! There's a voice trapped in this machine! Is somebody stuck in there?”

 

Pike sighs. “No, Grog, it's just a video. I've explained this to you before, they aren't stuck in there, it's just a recording.”

 

“They deserve their freedom, Pike,” Grog says, solemn.

 

“Yeah they do, Grog,” Pike says. She tucks her phone away and starts pulling at Grog's hand. “Why don't we get you home, buddy? I think you've had enough to drink.”

 

Scanlan jumps up, taking Grog's other hand. “I'll help you take him!” he says.

 

Pike narrows her eyes at him. “You will?”

 

“Of course, Pike. I would do _anything_ for my best pal Grog.” Scanlan puts Grog's hand over his own heart. “Even carry his drunk ass home.”

 

Pike laughs. “I don't believe that for a second, but I welcome the help.”

 

Scanlan grumbles, but helps out anyway, and together he and Pike manage to support Grog enough to get him out of the bar. Percy watches mostly disinterested, but is snapped out of it when Vax starts pawing at his arm. He turns to snap at him, but Vax is looking at him with a wide smile and the words die in his throat.

 

“Did you hear that, Percy?” Vax says.

 

Percy frowns. “What, Scanlan's latest attempt to get on Pike's good side? Yeah, he'll have to try harder than that if he-”

 

“No, no!” Vax interrupts. “Before that. Grog said something about a voice in the machine.”

 

“Don't ever interrupt me,” Percy says, annoyed. “This is my bar, and you have the nerve to talk over me?”

 

Vax rolls his eyes. “Sorry, Lord Douchebag. If you would get your head out of your ass for a second and listen, maybe I wouldn't have to interrupt.”

 

Percy bristles, mouth already opening to tell Vax off again. “I am _not-_ ”

 

“We could call your bar Voice in the Machine!” Vax says quickly. “That's a cool name, right? Like, a voicemail left after you have a one night stand with somebody. Or karaoke, that works too. And, I mean, we all work together like a well-oiled machine, so it could be _you_ , our representative and the _voice_ of the _machine_?” Vax knows how to play Percy, knows just the right words to get him to calm down and come around, and, just like every time, it works like a charm.

 

“That's,” Percy says, then pauses. He nods at Vax. “Vox Machina. That's the name of the bar.”

 

Vax grins and grabs at Percy's hands. “ _Vox Machina_ ,” he says, savoring the words. “I love it, it's perfect.”

 

Percy smiles back at Vax, squeezing his hands. They let themselves get absorbed in conversation about plans for the bar and pointedly ignore Vex and Keyleth dry humping across the room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so just as a general note, i'm not entirely decided on whether or not there will be any long-lasting relationships yet, so i guess we'll just see as this progresses? in all honesty, there's probably gonna be a little bit of everything thrown in.


	3. keyleth is a serial killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> scanlan convinces grog that keyleth is out to murder vex. they decide to catch her in the act, and vax isn't so sure, but tags along anyway. percy's there too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so i meant to update this a whole lot sooner, but this last week has been really weird and hectic so i didn't have any time. finally things are slowing down so i was able to get this written. hopefully it being a little longer than the other two chapters helps make up for it?
> 
> based on the episode of iasip: "mac is a serial killer"

Scanlan waits for Keyleth to leave the bar before he turns to Vax and Grog. “Okay, did you guys notice how weird she was acting?”

 

Vax frowns. “Kiki always acts weird.”

 

“No, it was weirder than usual,” Scanlan insists. “She kept looking around like she was trying to find an exit or something. And last night, she left the bar early. Like, _super_ early. I was here later because I was, uh, cleaning up, and she came back at like two, wearing really dark clothes, but all she did was lock herself in the bathroom for almost half an hour. Then today she's been acting all weird and skittish and she was staring at Vex all day. Laser-focused on her.”

 

“What are you trying to get at, little man?” Vax says. He reaches for his drink and frowns deeply when he realizes it's empty.

 

Scanlan frowns. “There's no need to be rude. I was just saying, you know, I think Keyleth might be a serial killer.”

 

“How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?” Vax says. “That makes almost no sense.”

 

“ _Almost_ no sense,” Scanlan says.

 

Grog is nodding along with Scanlan. “It makes total sense.”

 

Vax gawps at them. “Really? You both think Keyleth being a serial killer makes any sense at all? She couldn't even kill the cockroach we found in the back room two weeks ago, what makes you think she could kill a person?”

 

Scanlan jabs a finger at Vax. “She's a _master_ of deceit.”

 

“Keyleth started crying after she lied to Percy about buying more booze,” Vax says.

 

“She's playing the long con,” Scanlan says. “She's exceptionally smart, so it makes sense. But what you will be concerned about, Vax, is that her next victim is your sister.”

 

Vax sighs, but leans forward to indicate he's listening. “How do you figure that, Scanlan,” he says blandly.

 

“Okay, so Keyleth was just staring at Vex all day, right? I mean, she does that sometimes, where she just stares at people really intensely, but this was _different_ ,” Scanlan says. “This was the stare of a cold blooded killer.”

 

“You do realize how ridiculous this sounds, right?” Vax says.

 

Scanlan holds up his hands. “I know, I know, but stick with me. I told you about all that weird behavior, right? Fishy as _fuck_. But Keyleth has been paying special attention to Vex in other ways. She goes and gets Vex whatever she asks for, for one thing. And Keyleth brought her food at lunchtime, and even offered to go back to the restaurant and correct the order they'd messed up on. She's obviously buttering Vex up and gaining her trust so Vex won't suspect it when Keyleth _murders_ her!”

 

Vax rolls his eyes. “Let me get this straight. You think that because Keyleth has a massive lady-boner for my sister, she's going to kill her.”

 

“I'm telling you, man, she has the eyes of a serial killer,” Scanlan says.

 

“I think he's right,” Grog says. “We need to stop Keyleth before she kills again.”

 

“But in, like, a friendly way, y'know?” Scanlan says. “More like staging an intervention than, well, killing her before she has the opportunity to kill Vex. But in a tight situation, we may need to kill Keyleth.”

 

“Wait, we're killing Keyleth?” Percy asks, emerging from the back room. Despite the fact that Keyleth is practically his sister, he doesn't look too perturbed.

 

Scanlan shrugs. “If it comes to that. I'm willing to make the call if the situation arises.”

 

Vax turns to Percy. “They think Keyleth is a serial killer, and that her next victim is Vex.”

 

“That's completely moronic,” Percy says.

 

“ _Thank_ you, finally someone is being reasonable,” Vax says.

 

“Vex is obviously the more likely candidate. She was making murder-eyes at Keyleth all day,” Percy says. “It's either true love or killer, I can never tell.”

 

Vax groans and thumps his head onto the bar, questioning the events of his life that have led up to this point.

 

Scanlan harrumphs. “I think there's only one way to solve this. We follow Keyleth after she leaves work tomorrow and see if she goes to murder Vex, or if Vex comes to murder her.”

 

“But what if they don't strike tomorrow?” Grog asks.

 

“Oh, Keyleth will go for Vex tomorrow,” Scanlan says. “She kills every other day, from the pattern I've noticed.”

 

“What pattern? How did you notice it?” Percy says.

 

“She comes to the bar after we're closed dressed in dark clothes, vanishes into the bathroom, and emerges later and disappears,” Scanlan says.

 

Percy frowns. “Have you been sleeping in the bar again? Damn it, Scanlan, I told you to stop doing that. It's not good for sanitation.”

 

Scanlan huffs. “Kiss my ass, de Rolo. Me sleeping here has shown us that Keyleth is a serial killer.”

 

“Should we tell Pike?” Grog asks. “She's good at that whole intervention whatever.”

 

“No, don't tell Pike,” Scanlan says. “She's too soft-hearted to make the decision to kill Keyleth. And not only that, but she'd want to come along, and she's completely anti-sneak. She always manages to knock shit over or make some other loud noise. Totally useless on a stakeout like we're planning.”

 

There are mumbled agreements from around the bar, even Vax lifting his head enough to nod.

 

“Are you all ready to stop this murder?” Scanlan says.

 

“Aye,” Grog says immediately.

 

Percy nods.

 

“I suppose someone will have to make sure you idiots don't kill Keyleth for no reason,” Vax says.

 

Scanlan grins. “Boys, let's catch ourselves a serial killer.”

 

 

_**the next night** _

 

 

“Do we really have to stay crouched behind this car? What if the owner comes out and sees us?” Vax says.

 

“Are there any other good vantage points, asshole?” Scanlan says. “If we calculated correctly, Keyleth should be coming straight to Vex's door in about two minutes.”

 

Vax groans. “She told us she was bringing soup to Vex because she came down with a cold!”

 

Grog shakes his head. “Scanlan already told us that that's a lie.”

 

“Or maybe,” Percy interjects, “ _Vex_ is the one who lied about having a cold, and she's luring Keyleth into her spiderweb so she can slit her throat as soon as she walks through the door!”

 

“My sister is _not_ a serial killer,” Vax says.

 

“Hey, Dexter's sister didn't know _he_ was a serial killer,” Percy says. “This could be the exact same situation.”

 

Vax opens his mouth to respond, but then Keyleth is spotted and Scanlan shushes everyone. They all fall quiet as they watch Keyleth approach Vex's building with a bag in hand. She looks around herself quickly, then presses the button to ask Vex to buzz her in. After a few moments and a quick conversation that the boys can't hear from across the street, Keyleth opens the door and disappears inside the building.

 

“She had a bag from Vex's favorite place to get soup, guys, I think she was telling the truth,” Vax says.

 

Scanlan sighs. “You understand nothing. Obviously the bag is a cover. She comes over, tells Vex she brought her soup, when in reality she has a knife or a gun or something in the bag, which she ten uses to kill Vex with!”

 

Grog gasps. “She's making her move! We have to save Vex.” He stands and hurries across the street, Scanlan following hot on his heels. Percy and Vax follow at a more sedate pace, and Vax is the only one who can get in, so Grog and Scanlan have to wait for him anyway.

 

“This is so stupid,” Vax grumbles as he works the lock open. After a moment he swings the door wide and they all file in, making their way up the stairs to Vex's floor and creeping to her door.

 

“Vax,” Scanlan whispers. “Work your magic. And if we see Keyleth violently murdering Vex, wait for my signal to grab her and start choking her out, Grog.”

 

Obediently, Grog nods.

 

Vax picks the lock and the door opens on silent hinges. It's lucky that Vex cares enough to keep her door quiet. They tiptoe in, shutting the door carefully, and edge further into the apartment. They peer around a corner and see Vex and Keyleth standing in the kitchen together, soup held between them in Keyleth's outstretched hands.

 

“The soup is poisoned,” Grog whispers, coming to a horrific realization. “The soup is poisoned!” He stands, breaking their stealth as he bellows, “VEX, DON'T EAT THE SOUP!” and charges forward, reaching the kitchen in three steps and punching the container out of Keyleth's hands. Soup sprays across the kitchen and all over the floor as Keyleth and Vex both start screaming.

 

“GROG WHAT THE _FUCK_ -”

 

“HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE HOLY SHIT-”

 

“WHERE DID YOU ALL COME FROM-”

 

“FUCK YOU GROG!”

 

“YEAH! _FUCK YOU_ , GROG!”

 

“This is an _intervention_!” Scanlan announces as he rushes to Grog's side. “Keyleth, we know you're a serial killer and we know you plan on killing Vex. We couldn't let that happen, so we came to stop you.”

 

Keyleth squints her eyes at him. “Kill Vex?”

 

“Kill me?” Vex echoes.

 

“Keyleth,” Scanlan says, “we can get you whatever help you need. Don't kill Vex, she's our _friend_ , and your friend too. Let's just talk this out.”

 

Keyleth sighs. “I am _not_ planning on killing Vex.”

 

Scanlan shakes his head. “Darling, we already know you are, there's not point in lying to us. But we don't judge! We won't turn you in, I promise, but you need to stop killing.”

 

“You _really_ think I'm a serial killer?” Keyleth asks.

 

Percy steps forward. “Look, I never thought you were a serial killer. If anyone is, it's Vex. You're too kind.”

 

“Wait,” Scanlan says, “so you're saying you aren't a serial killer?”

 

“I've been telling you all this exact thing the _whole time_ ,” Vax says.

 

Scanlan looks to Vex. “Are _you_ a serial killer?”

 

“No!” Vex says. “And Keyleth isn't either.”

 

“Then why the fuck have you been acting to shady, Kiki?” Scanlan says. “I mean, for fuck's sake! None of this would've even happened if you weren't acting so godsdamn _weird_ around Vex.”

 

Vex sighs. “We're fucking, Scanlan.”

 

Keyleth turns bright red, but nods. “Yeah, we kind of are. But we didn't want you guys to find out.”

 

Scanlan puts his hands on his hips like a pouting child. “But why _not_? I mean, you do know that literally no one you're friends with is straight, right? It's not like we have an issue with it. And we all figured you were banging anyway. What's the big deal?”

 

Vex and Keyleth share a look, and they seem to be doing that weird telepathy thing that Vex and Vax do all the time. They turn back to Scanlan and Vex smiles apologetically.

 

“We're also fucking Pike,” Vex says.

 

For a moment, the whole apartment is still and silent. Percy and Vax look at each other, then back to Scanlan. He appears to be short circuiting.

 

“Oh! Oh. That's. Well,” Scanlan says. “That, uh, yeah. That's a thing. You're banging Pike, huh? Both of you. With Pike. Who you know I'm. You know I'm in love with her. But you're. Keyleth and Vex. Fucking Pike. I think I need to sit down.”

 

Keyleth rolls her eyes. “Pike is a _lesbian_ , Scanlan.”

 

“You knew you wouldn't end up with her,” Vex says, not unkindly.

 

Scanlan holds up a hand like he can't bear to hear anymore. “A man can have dreams.” He curls his hand into a fist and puts it to his chest. “I had dreams, once. Until the _cruel mistress_ that is fate decided it was time to _break my heart_.”

 

Grog puts a hand on Scanlan's shoulder, and Scanlan turns to him, leaning heavily on his solid frame.

 

“Take me home, buddy. I need to cry myself to sleep,” Scanlan says. Grog dutifully carries him out, but not before he fist-bumps Keyleth and Vex to show that they have his blessing.

 

“What a fucking drama queen,” Vax says.

 

Vex snorts. “You're one to talk, brother.”

 

Vax glares at her, but no one says a word for a long moment.

 

“Well,” Percy says at length, “Vax, wanna go get fucked up back at the bar?”

 

“I'll drink you under the table, Percival von Shithead,” Vax says. He follows as Percy leads them out of Vex's apartment.

 

As the door closes behind the boys, Vex and Keyleth roll their eyes at each other.

 

“Dumbasses,” Vex says.

 

Keyleth nods. “Hey, you dumped the body though, right?”

 

“Oh yeah. It was no issue,” Vex says.

 

“Good, good,” Keyleth says.

 

Vex quirks an eyebrow. “Wanna fuck?”

 

Keyleth nods. “I'll see how soon Pike can get here.”

 

She pulls out her phone as Vex sets about cleaning up the soup Grog got all over her kitchen.

 


End file.
